He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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