I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
