Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
