Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I need moral support for this bender
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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