there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
