I wish my penis had an off switch
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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