He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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