It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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