Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
