I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
organizing the empties. That sober.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
