My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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