So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
