she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
