just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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