My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
