im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
