Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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