I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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