Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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