I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Randomize
