theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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