I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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