i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
