At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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