my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
