Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
