how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
