i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
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