Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
