I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
