Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
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