Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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