Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
