I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
