I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
