my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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