So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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