I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
