I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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