I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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