There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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