You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
