I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
