I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
