You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
You may now shotgun with the bride
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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