she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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