i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Randomize
