wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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