Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
