Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
