You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
