I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
