i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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