And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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