I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
