nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
