my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
i drank out of a bidet.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
