White coat. Heels.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
