Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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