Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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