guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
